Principle 7-Don't be in a hurry!

I think the most important thing we can do for our children is to avoid being in a hurry.

Benefits of not being in a hurry:
-able to talk things out
-spend more time with them
-able to focus and really listen when they speak
-able to handle tantrums and arguments calmer and more effectively
-Enjoy childhood while it lasts

Christ always taught that one should serve those around him. Even if he was traveling somewhere he always stopped to help out someone in need. Also, Jesus loves children. He spent hours and hours blessing the children one by one. He cared about their individual needs. If we are to do as Jesus did, we must take the time to love our children. (3 Nephi 17:21)



Source: Kohn pg. 138

Principle 6-Rewards, Recognition, and Praise

In Kohn's book called Unconditional Parenting he goes in great depth about using rewards and recognition. His argument is that if a child gets rewarded every time he does something good, he isn't learning why he should be doing that thing, he learns that he gets a reward. The thing about recognition such as letter grades and stars is that eventually they either lose their appeal or else again they are only doing for the grade or for the recognition. It also shows your child that when they do something good, their parent loves them.
Children could become dependent on their parents approval. Always needing it to feel accepted.

So! How to avoid falling into the rewards trap?
- something Kohn suggests is instead of praise, just listen or ask questions.
- Never use rewards, instead let them know you noticed and then if you want to do treats, do them on a non-special occasion day. Prevents love from appearing conditional on their success.
- If at all possible, don't give grades. Make comments about improvement and discuss with them.

Story: Throughout school I always worked for the grade, which meant that I never really retained much because I just wanted the straight As to bring home. Then when parents or friends would say something like "you're so smart" I got really annoyed because it didn't take a genius to finish and turn in assignments. The fact is, I worked for the grade and not for learning, that desire to learn was not strongly instilled in me and thus I suffer the consequences of it here at college.

Future note to self: Don't make love appear as conditional to achieving great things.

Gospel Principle: During Christ's ministry he taught his followers to "do their alms in secret". We do good things because it is the right thing to do, and we know it makes us happy. Children can learn from this to take pride in their work, and put effort into doing their best.


Source: Kohn Chapter 5, New Testament

Principle 5-Never Use Physical Punishment

In Steinberg's book "The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting", he says Never use physical punishment! When it becomes necessary to punish a child, there are much better alternatives to physical punishment. This includes hitting, spanking, slapping and anything else.

I grew up with spankings and "the wooden spoon"...sometimes flicks on the mouth or slaps. I hated this! I never want to put my children through those feelings of fear and hurt.

Alternatives?
-Working with rather than doing to.
-Just talk to them instead!
-If necessary use a firm tone. "reproving in times with sharpness, and showing an increase of love afterwards" D&C 121:43

It might be really tough sometimes but remember! Never punish in anger! Take time to calm down and you will be a lot more rational and loving as you address the problem. An example i have heard from some mothers is the "time out" time. When both parent and child are upset, explain to the child that you both need a time out to cool down and then talk after.






Source: Steinberg

Principle 4- Coping with Argumentativeness and helping your child grow

Argumentativeness:

"The fact that your child is challenging you is a good thing, not a bad one. It shows that she's growing up. If your child is going through one of these stages, try to look on the bright side, maintain your sense of humor, and just keep in mind that this too shall pass" (Steinberg, pg. 115).

Why must children argue and resist?
-Your child wants more autonomy than you are willing to allow.
-During toddlerhood and adolescence, your child is developing speaking and debating skills. Its only natural for them to want to demonstrate new developments.
- child is learning how to stand up for something they need or want, developing skills to debate and challenge what they don't beleive in.

It is healthy and normal for your child to want to argue and challenge beliefs.  Part of growing up.

If your child doesn't question you ever...be concerned.

A way to make these stages easier!.....

"Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily"-Kohn, pg. 133
-pick your battles
-use "no" as the last result
-know why you are saying no
-say yes as much as possible
-let your child use their agency!

A Gospel Doctrine that solidifies this:Agency!
-a free gift from God
- Satan's plan was to be rid of agency, we must not support him. Allow children to chose for themselves whenever possible.





Source: The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Laurence Steinberg, Unconditional Parenting Kohn.

Principle 3-Talk less, ask more

"To be a great parent is more a function of listening than of explaining" (Kohn, pg. 127).

This principle means a lot to me because I never got this from my father growing up. I know that it has influenced my relationship with him. My dad tended to jump to conclusions before he even considered hearing what actually happened (if he did at all), and we kind of resented him for a lot of my childhood because of the way he treated us. I think that over the years he has been learning to listen more and that has helped a lot! Now that we are older we have a great relationship with him because he listens now :)

I want to have a great relationship with my children so that they will feel comfortable bringing their troubles and concerns to me.

When a close relationship has been established and the parent is willing to listen to the  child, great things will come from it.

Russel M. Nelson said, "Parents, learn to listen, then listen to learn from children"..."The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard. Children are naturally eager to share their experiences, which range from triumphs of delight to trials of distress. Are we as eager to listen?... Can we listen without interrupting and without making snap judgments that slam shut the door of dialogue?"

It is so important that we as parents learn to listen to our children. We can learn so much from them that will help us be better able to teach and guide them through life. 




Sources: Kohn, pg 127, "Listen to Learn, Russel M. Nelson, April 1991".

Principle 2-Keep their ages in mind

"We have to keep our expectations keyed to what they're capable of doing"-Kohn, pg. 130

Example: My younger sister Hannah started talking at a much faster rate than most children her age. She loved using big kid words that made her sound much older than she actually was. Because of this, my parents and even my siblings and me, would treat Hannah as if she were 8 when in reality she was only 5. This has been a struggle for her as she has grown up because we have expected more out of her than was age appropriate.

Sometimes we expect more from young children than they are capable of understanding or doing. If we will take in mind their age, we can learn to be more patient with them and maybe change our requests to fit their age of development.

Another example: You may desire to teach your young children the principle of hard work. So, they may be assigned a daily job. However it would be inappropriate for you to expect your 5 year old to wash the windows perfectly. They will do the best they can and you can't expect more than that. You could help show them the proper way of doing a chore but until they are older, they may not have the mental/physical capacity of doing so.

Let's see if there is anything from the gospel that relates to this.

"How grateful we should be for a kind, wise, loving Savior who will help us overcome our faults, our mistakes, and our sins. He loves and understands us and is sympathetic to the fact that we face temptations."(Meaning of Repentance, Burton).
From this I learn that our Father in Heaven also recognizes and acknowledges the fact that we are all still "children" in our spiritual development. He knows that we will not be perfect in this life. We must learn to treat our own children with this knowledge as well.



Sources: Kohn, pg. 130,
The Meaning of Repentance, Elder Theodore M. Burton, Of the First Quorum of Seventy, Ensign, Aug. 1988, pp. 5-9

Principle 1- Put the relationship first

The principle to put the relationship first is mainly referring to when you are trying to get a child to obey or when enforcing a rule or request, that it is more important that they feel like the relationship is good , than it is to make them potty train or stay in their rooms the whole night. A parent should never jeopardize the relationship for compliance to a request. 

What I would like to highlight here is that a before a parent can expect a child to listen and obey them, there must be a good established relationship first. Once that relationship is there, then your child will be more willing to listen. 
 In D&C 20:53 it says, "The teacher’s duty is to watch over the church always, and be with and strengthen them". Notice that "Be With" comes before the strengthen part. 

In my personal experience, when a sibling that I did not have a strong relationship with tried to counsel me, I had zero intention of listening to them. However when A sibling that I was very close to would counsel me, I was a lot more likely to heed their advice. 



Source: D&C 20:53,  Kohn pg. 123