Principle 6-Rewards, Recognition, and Praise

In Kohn's book called Unconditional Parenting he goes in great depth about using rewards and recognition. His argument is that if a child gets rewarded every time he does something good, he isn't learning why he should be doing that thing, he learns that he gets a reward. The thing about recognition such as letter grades and stars is that eventually they either lose their appeal or else again they are only doing for the grade or for the recognition. It also shows your child that when they do something good, their parent loves them.
Children could become dependent on their parents approval. Always needing it to feel accepted.

So! How to avoid falling into the rewards trap?
- something Kohn suggests is instead of praise, just listen or ask questions.
- Never use rewards, instead let them know you noticed and then if you want to do treats, do them on a non-special occasion day. Prevents love from appearing conditional on their success.
- If at all possible, don't give grades. Make comments about improvement and discuss with them.

Story: Throughout school I always worked for the grade, which meant that I never really retained much because I just wanted the straight As to bring home. Then when parents or friends would say something like "you're so smart" I got really annoyed because it didn't take a genius to finish and turn in assignments. The fact is, I worked for the grade and not for learning, that desire to learn was not strongly instilled in me and thus I suffer the consequences of it here at college.

Future note to self: Don't make love appear as conditional to achieving great things.

Gospel Principle: During Christ's ministry he taught his followers to "do their alms in secret". We do good things because it is the right thing to do, and we know it makes us happy. Children can learn from this to take pride in their work, and put effort into doing their best.


Source: Kohn Chapter 5, New Testament